Few years ago I’d decided to not care about what people said about me, but my journey was hard.
I’d spend so many years hearing different voices about what I should do, think, wear or expect for my future, most of the time those voices came from home or school and sometimes words could be too hard.
When I was a child bullying wasn’t a problem, so no one was too worried about how kids were on their relationships … and I was fat, shy and small. Also I believe that on those years I was expressing my first steps as a gay young, insecure and small. And teenagehood, comments or fag jokes were too hard that was easier to repress my feelings and the way that I felt about me (gay or not)… I wasn’t fine and too secure about anything.
I’d started to get fat and hide my self from my self as a way to be protected – I think –
On my last school years, jokes and comments were less but I was unhappier. I wasn’t comfortable with myself, with my body and mind, but for my family everything was just “ok” my grades were how they expected so getting into university life was ready for me. Even so every day felt as a pressure to be better in ways that I couldn’t imagine as an adult. I didn’t knew when or how was that I just started to create a negative image about me. Anxiety just got calm when I was able to decide whether to eat or not and my life was suddenly governed by an eating disorder that I couldn’t handle it anymore.
On my freshmen year, things were different.
I’d started to had new relationships in a safer environment but I was so scared to tell what was really happening with me. I think that the many changes that my personality had on those years, were the words that mom hear but the damage was done. My words were not mine!
Been anorexic made me stop being fat. But it didn’t stopped me to repress or hate my self. I felt most of the time alone – and I wasn’t – I was depressed.
How hard should been for my family and friends, I’m sorry. But most of all I say sorry and ask for acceptation and forgiveness to my self. And I’m giving it to me.
Everyday we are so exposed to hear many comments about everything. Many times, those comments are about us but not every time are the nicer, cutest or greater: you look too thin, too fat, too tall, too sexual, too gay, too dumb, etc. But once I decided to change the way that we are living and seeing ourselves, magic happens and we start to change.
For me the first change was “to trust”. As I told you dears, I was feeling so alone when I wasn’t and starting to restore family and friends relationships was too helpful. They was worried, I just couldn’t saw it. They didn’t knew how to help me, neither do I. So my first step was not to punish me for punish others, for what was going with me. Also it helps me to clean my breath from negative vibes.
As a psychology student, I knew on those years that therapy will helps. so I’d stared therapy at the beginning 2 times per week. After a few months I was feeling lite and clean, and those voices wasn’t too important to me … “dude you look so thin; Ok, so what?”
Also my big challenge was to recover selfcare and trust in me; the hard one. And believe me wasn’t easy and still isn’t. Some days UI just feel that everything is kind of grey and anxiety comes back. So what really got me in a safe and health path yoga – and guess what : still works !
Today as a therapist I know that therapy, health relationships and a safe environment helps. Also they are one of the important things to work on an eating disorder therapy, but what really helped me to heal the relationship that I was having with my self, was that space that you can create on every yoga practice.
That sacred space in were not everything is good, come on! but one in where everyday you’ll feel safe enough to feel good enough just to be happy, a space to talk, feel, habitat and been with yourself.
Recover from depress, anxiety, pst or any emotional or mental health issue isn’t simple, but when you start to believe that you can step over from all your shit, stop listening outside and star to listen yourself with kindness and true love and acceptation, please believe me … everything will be easy.
Yes … of course that I would love to have a different story on how I become more awareness and kind and careful with myself. But this is part of my story .. and everyday when I hear some comments about how others see me with disapproval, I feel so thankful of my former years, because of them now I could just say “Who cares? I’m happy being who I am so please fuck off!”!
I wouldn’t change anything from my life!
I’m sure that was the way that life had and empowerment teachings for me .. and I got them!
So please, please, PLEASE!
If you are feeling just a bit of what I felt … you my dear, are not alone.
Surround yourself with love from family or friends.
Accept your self, love your nature and who you really are. We – all of us – are so fucking gorgeous. And that’s your medicine, that’s your true love, that’s when recovery really begins.
So guys next time, what if we start to be kinder and less shitty?
Words are powerful, so be aware of them.